How to overcome the ‘grief’ of disability

Key points:

• A Reddit thread created by user woodlandtwilight on the r/Disability subreddit prompted other users to share their thoughts about ‘what could have been’ without disability

• Some users shared their experience of life with disability from birth — stating that they related to the feeling

• The conversation revolved around experiencing emotions of sorrow, melancholy, and accepting one’s current situation

This edition of Disability Support Guide covers the emotional toll and realisation of living with disability. This article, which is based on a thread posted in Reddit’s r/Disability community, will cover the shared experiences of people with disability, along with common emotions and supports for the grieving process.

It is important to remember that an emotional response to a major life event, such as an incident that led to an acquired disability or the diagnosis of a condition, is perfectly normal. Feeling a sense of grief or disappointment over physical and psychosocial constraints — perceived, societal or personal — is also a natural part of the process according to people who live with disability. However, a mental health crisis or severe feelings of emotional distress warrant immediate attention. As such, a list of mental health resources in Australia will be available at the bottom of this Guide.

Common emotions

People living with disability may feel that they are not able to live up to their potential due to an impairment. Although these feelings may be subconscious or enforced through societal stigma about people with disability, people who develop a condition later in life or live with an acquired disability may feel a sense of loss. People may feel a sense of loss if they are no longer able to participate in activities they enjoy, succeed at or hoped to pursue.

For professionals, aspiring academics or amateurs looking to improve their performance — sporting, education and business ventures may all seem unattainable after a turning point in one’s life. 

Over time, however, people who felt anger, resentment or denial over the role disability played n their life journey were able to feel a source of strength from the ‘new’ path they were creating.

Many who felt a sense of loss at first were able to arrive at a sense of acceptance or self-compassion through acknowledging that ‘potential’ is a useless concept to define a real thing — such as life — by.

“I realized I was too hyper-focused on what I couldn’t do and what I felt I was missing out on, instead of acclimating to the path I was travelling. It took time, but I eventually accepted the life I was living, not one I hoped for, imagined or felt I missed out on,” shared one Reddit user.

“Life didn’t take me the way I expected and while things are likely harder, I’ve still been able to find a few really good people to have around me and I’m getting by. My future looked [sic] rubbish when I just looked at the practical stuff, like being independent and working, but I forgot that there’s so much more to being human than working my backside off for someone else,” another commented.

Others said that they envisioned the thought of the ‘version’ of themselves’ without disability as an old friend they had lost touch with, although they now have new friends and a happy life.

Support for disability grief

To arrange a therapy session or receive grief and disability support, please visit the Mental Health or Therapists and Specialists service tab on Disability Support Guide.

Research indicates that for people with an acquired disability, ‘identity reconstruction’ therapy is preferable to ‘acceptance’ therapy. This means that therapy sessions that are directed towards becoming a different version of yourself are more effective in treating grief.

Have you experienced grief from life with disability? How did you come to terms with it and what is your story? Let the team at Talking Disability know your thoughts on the matter.

If you or someone you know may be at risk of a mental health crisis, please refer to the following resources:

Beyond Blue — 1300 22 4636

Lifeline — 13 11 14

Mental Health Emergency — 13 14 65